I went into Taipei on Saturday, September 13. For most of the trip, I have to say the Taiwan High Way Department gets full marks. The road surface was always clean and well maintained. There were no potholes. There were always guard rails, although there weren't always lights. Even in rural areas, with low volumes of traffic, the road quality and the signage was excellent. But once I turned in land, things changed.

Getting out of Keelung was one of the most frustrating parts of the whole trip. The signage was bad. There were forks in the road without any signs telling you which fork to take. Directions were bad. And asking directions from Taiwanese people is so frustrating, that I try to avoid doing it. I just get angry, and come away no wiser for my efforts. They don't know how to read a map. What's more, they don't use the high way numbers when directing you. So the second you come to fork in the road, you have no idea which way to turn.

I asked at a gas station. "Which way to Taipei?" At first, the guy looked confused, as if he had never heard of Taipei. Then I explained to him that Taipei was a very large city, probably less than ten kilometers away, and which, by coincidence happened to be the capital of Taiwan. There was a slight glimmer in his eyes as if, perhaps long ago, he had heard of a city called Taipei, but he still looked somewhat lost. "

Should I take High Way 3?" I asked, prompting him. But, I got that doped-out-mental-patient smile that Asians give you when they are shutting down their brain and refusing to share information. The Guy just grinned and said, "Yes." I knew he was lying. He hadn't heard or refused to hear the question. So, I asked again. "Should I take high way 17?" Again, the same answer. "Yes."
"Uhm, hum. Should I take highway 4,973.8 and fly to Venus?"
"Yes."
"Thank you." I said, and pedaled on.

One replacement for actually giving directions is that they will tell you, "Go back the way you came and ask again." I hadn't thought of that "ask again" part. It would never have occurred to me on my own.

Taiwanese also seem incapable of measuring distance. I would ask. "Which way is Miaoli." And the answer would be. "It is very far."
"Yes, I am aware that it is far, but which way?"
After they gave me directions, I would ask them "How far is it?"
"Very far."
Yes, but how many kilometers?"
Once again I would get the methadone stare.
"20km?"
"Yes."
"75km?"
"Yes."
"5,000km?"
"Yes."
"Thank you."

Another strange anomaly is that I never saw a sign which said, "Welcome to Taipei." or "YOU are now in Taipei." SO when I stopped again to ask directions, everyone seemed very confused. Although I yelled at them and called them awful names at the time. I realised later that the problem was that I was already in Taipei, and was asking directions to Taipei. So, I forgive these people, and apologize about my rude comments. And truth be told, I never met their mother, so I don't know if what I said about her were true or not.

On the other hand, they could have said. "You are in Taipei." This certainly would have defused the walking powder-keg that is my zero tolerance and well-publicized lack of patience. The spark that actually set off the explosion was after I had said Taipei ten times. The guy looked at me and said "You want to go Taiwan?" What the hell was this bozo thinking? Why would I come to him and ask how to get to Taiwan?

In Taipei, I stopped two foreigners on the street and asked where the Catholic church was. They didn't know, but they lead me to a cheap hostel, where I could spend the night. At this point, I had ridden over 120km and I was exhausted. Plus, as I mentioned, my nerves were on end from all of the difficulties of getting into Taipei from Keelung. I didn't need any more stupid setbacks in my life.

My legs are extremely tight from riding and my right foot is extremely painful and can barely support my weight. When I get off the bike now, I walk with a limp. The point is, walking is a chore, and this added to my frustration. I hobbled up two flights of stairs, to the hotel office, and asked for a room. The manager told me there were no rooms, but there was one dormitory bed left. So, we hobbled two blocks away to look at the bed. There was no way I could sleep in a dormitory. I would much prefer to sleep outdoors or in a private room, where I knew I would be safe and clean. I thanked the owner, and hobbled back down the stairs. I could feel my strength and resolve draining as I went. Where could I spend the nigh? Also, I needed food and rest instantly or I would collapse.

I had just made it back to my bike, when the second hotel manager came to me and said.
"We have one room left. Do you want to see it?"
If they had one room, why didn't they show it to me before? Well, I didn't care. I needed a room. So, limping, I followed him back, two blocks to the hostel, where he showed me what must have been a broom closet.
"It doesn't have air conditioning." He explained. "But, we will remove the mops and industrial cleaners for you."
"How much?"
"Three hundred and fifty."
"I'll take it." I said, handing him the money.
"But there is no air-conditioning."
"I know."
"But it is very hot."
"Yes it is." Where did this guy learn his sales training, in the Bizaro world?

Against the protestations of the manager, I hobbled back down the stairs, across two blocks, and picked up my bicycle. then I rode back to the hostel, and carried the bike up to the second floor, where I locked it up in the living room.

By this time I could barely stand. All I wanted out of life was a shower and some sleep, followed by some food and some sleep. But the manager was waiting to talk to me.
"There is no smoking." He said.
Did he miss the fact that I rode a bicycle here from about 1,000km away. "No problem." I said, taking my shower things off the bike and heading toward the bathroom.
"And shut of the lights when you are out of the room."
"Fine." I said. "I will be asleep the whole time I am in that room, so the lights won't be on at all."
"And shut off the fan when you leave."
"OK"
"And..." He started in with more rules, but I cut him off.
"I am going to take a shower, and go to sleep. That's it. I don't need you to tell me anything else. I gave you your money. You gave me the key. We are finished. Now leave me alone."

"That's fine." He said, taken aback. "Just come back to the main office and fill out the registration forms."
What? Had I heard him right? After all this he wanted me to go back down the stairs and cross the two blocks again and register?
"You must register." He said.
I took off my helmet and tossed it across the room. "All I want is to shower and sleep. Please go." I was going to add, if you want my passport number I will give it to you, but I was too tired even for that. He was like a nightmare that I couldn't shake. My helmet bounced off the wall making a terrible noise. "OK, maybe we can talk later." He said, backing away.

The next morning I had a breakfast meeting with Malcolm, from Taiwan Ho!, who is tracking my trip on the internet, and will be cosponsoring my rowing trip around the island, in February. We had western food. It was the first western food I had eaten in probably 18 months. There were waffles, eggs over easy, bacon, and coffee. I can't believe there are people who get to eat like that whenever they wanted to. Malcolm and I had a good meeting, then I continued on… (watch out for part 4, from Taipei to a mountain pass next Monday).


This is part 3 of Antonio's adventure cycling around Taiwan.

See also:
Part 1 - Kaohsiung to Hualien
Part 2 - Hualien to Suao
Part 5 - The Final Chapter
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